Pin It

Friday, January 23, 2009

The first week of a workout routine. (Very funny story)

I received this in an email today and when I read it I laughed till I cried and my side hurt, that tells you right there that I am out of shape. So grab a tissue and make sure you have peed, it's extremely funny. Enjoy, Heidi

WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and w hen she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. < /div>
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up to day. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

12 comments:

HOUND HILL DESIGN said...

This was SO funny! I found you through Eddie Ross blog list. I am going to show this to every female friend I have so that will have a good laugh also. What's a woman to do?!!

So Haute said...

Hilarious!

Millie said...

Oh this is so great Heides!! Yes, this will be distributed around don't you worry about that. Wow, according to Janet you've made Eddie's Blog List - of course you should have!
Millie ^_^

Lindsey said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! Girl I am soo with ya! I am trying to get back into shape and I swear I could kill some skinny bitches at the gym sometime! Especially when I can barely walk up the stairs to the classroom and they run by me in their pants that are so tight I could see a mosquito bite if they have one!

Jackie Von Tobel said...

What a hoot!!!! I love it.

A-M said...

Just fabulous! Read it out to hubby over a coffee this morning and we belly laughed!!! A-M xx

Sabina said...

Great post - it made my day!!

:)

Lara said...

Yes, this is the funniest thing I've read this week! I mean year!

ness lockyer said...

YOU ARE SO FUNNY HEIDI!!!
I had a really good augh over this as I used to be a personal trainer when I was a Triathlete...back when nothing wobbled!
Ness xx

Liz Kraft said...

Hi Heidi,

What a funny posting! Who can't relate?

I also have to tell you how I found you. I came across your comment on my friend, Viera's, blog (your note about being obsessed with Australia)... and I can definitely relate!

I'm from Florida, but my husband's German, and we spent a year in Brisbane (which is when we got to know Viera and her family). It was so hard to leave, and we miss is it very much. Have you been out to visit? It really is a remarkable country. What a pity that they've had so much suffering over the past week!

On a more upbeat note, your shop looks incredible, and you've done a nice job with your blogs!
~Liz Kraft

Mary said...

Okay, this is hilarious! I can't stop laughing! I just started with a personal trainer yesterday and am already feeling her Sunday!! Haha, thanks for this!

xxMK

http://delightfulbitefuls.blogspot.com/

jaikanth said...

This is really funny and good.I cant stop laughing.
workout routines